Merry Christopher Page 2

  The streets are sparse with people in the middle of a cold winter day. The shops are still open but not many people are in them. There are a few people running errands and families with kids. Townhall, an old historical wooden thing, is well decked in holiday decorations.

  I stroll into Dobie’s, the local sandwich shop and order my usual pastrami sandwich. The afternoon crowd is thin and mostly just high school kids already out on school vacation. I take my sandwich and bag of chips from the counter and sit down by the window. After I sit down, I see Holly sitting in the corner booth with the strange man from the post office. Even though I can’t hear what they are saying, I can tell that she is arguing her case with him. They seem to be discussing something important. Holly’s round cheeks are pink and her eyes are bright from passion. The man runs his fingers through his tousled coif in frustration. At one point, he reaches across the table and grabs Holly’s hand and then lowers his head to plead with her. I can see Holly fighting back tears and nodding to the man. Her hand rests between his large ones as he lovingly holds it.

  I grab the rest of my sandwich and race out of there. I feel like someone has just punched me in the gut. Sometimes I like to pretend that Holly and I live in the same world, but now I know that we don’t. Even though she lives in my town and is my sister’s best friend, somehow I always knew deep down that she is only passing through my life. One day, she’ll go back to her world of glittering nightlife and expensive cars and I’ll stay here in my small town with my books.

  I guess I am just nothing to her.

  Holly

  I am having the worst day. I’m pretty sure I failed my last final, and I lost my watch at the school gym. It’s just an old timex that I have had since a kid, but it was a gift from my mom. While I am trying to change and get ready to head over to Ashley’s, I hear a soft knock on my door.

  I open the door and surprise see the tall, blonde figure of Cameron.

  “It’s been a while, Holly.” A small grin rests on his thin lips.

  “What are you doing here?” I know that it’s impolite, but Cameron is the only person in the world I have ever been honest with.

  He glances down at my bunny slippers and flannel pajamas and lowers his voice, “May I come in?”

  I hesitate for a moment and then reluctantly nod my head. I don’t want him to attract any attention to me. I’m sure he already has with his Saks Fifth outfit and his European-made car, but I don’t want anyone to see me with him.

  He steps into my tiny studio like a king and surveys his surroundings. I know that I am a little messy but it’s a great place. I have plenty of space for myself and it is nice and cozy. Cameron’s face is immobile and I’m sure he thinks it’s a pigsty.

  I haven’t seen him in years. Our communication has been limited to spotty texts and the occasional email. He knows that I don’t really want to see him but he still shows up. That’s what I hate about my old world. People who have money just assume that they are important, therefore they are important in your life. And to tell the truth, I don’t miss it at all. I don’t miss pretending to fit in and that nothing is wrong in my life. I don’t miss swallowing my pride and sense of self for an extra dollar.

  “So what do you want?” I blurt out with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

  He moves a plush toy shaped like sushi from the couch and sits down. “Mom- my mom wants you to come home for the holidays.”

  That statement hangs in the air for a minute like a bad smell. I swallow hard. All the emotions I thought I left behind in New York: anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, all come rushing back like a storm.

  Of course, I love Cameron and he is the only person I truly miss from that world. But it still doesn’t mean I want to go back with him.

  I shake my head. “I don’t belong there, you know that. It’ll just make everyone miserable.” I know the old man doesn’t want to see me. If he did, he would have paid someone to fetch me a long time ago. Cameron, the proudest person I know, practically begs so I start to waver.

  “Well, at least let me buy you lunch.”

  I am about to say no but then I look over Cameron’s face. He looks tired from traveling and I have been giving him grief ever since he got here. I sigh and feel bad. It’s already two in the afternoon and I think it’s now safe for us to venture out into public. There won’t be anyone around. I take him to Dobie’s, the local sandwich shop for a quick bite. I know that he hesitated before he sits down at the greasy table wearing his expensive wool, but he still sat down. That’s what I like about Cameron. Even though he grew up in that world, he knows when he needs to step into my world for just a minute.

  He puts his hands together and says, “I am starting a new media company. It will take a while to get it going but it’s going quite well. We plan to launch late next year.”

  To be honest, I am happy to see Cameron and hear about how well he is doing, but I still hesitate about going back to Manhattan for Christmas.

  “Holly, please come. It’ll only for a couple of days and you’ll be back here before you know it.”

  “But why? Why after all these years that they want me there? They never cared about me before.”

  “Mm mom,” Cameron opens his mouth and broods over the words. “Things are hard for her. She takes things too personally and I know that she has never been fair to you. I think she has been thinking a lot about her decisions in life and she really regrets how she treated you. I think she wants to make amends.”

  “I’m glad that she wants to make amends but I don’t want to see her.” I shake my head as I eat my sandwich.

  “What about Dad? Don’t you want to see him?”

  I try to remember the old man with his gray hair and frog-like mouth. I don’t remember the last time we spoke. If we did, I have no idea what we could have talked about. I am not even a disappointment for him. I am, for the most part, just nonexistent.

  “Please, Holly? If not for them, then for me? I’ve missed you.” He takes my hand and holds it.

  I know that Cameron loves me and things haven’t been easy for him either. Tears swell up in my eyes. He gets all apologetic and clutches my hand.

  After I calm down, he says, “Well, I’ll be in town until tomorrow afternoon. I hope that you come with me.”

  So for the rest of the day, I walk around in a haze. Maybe I should go back. It has been years. Maybe I should swallow my pride and go back with Cameron. If not for me, maybe for him? But I know once I get there, one day would turn into two days and before I know it, I would get sucked back into that world again. The world of where men have just as many private yachts as they do ex-wives, but no real friends. The world where I was always an outsider who is tolerated but never accepted.

  I don’t need that.

  Except for Cameron, those people have hurt me, so why I do I feel guilty by not seeing them? I have done a good job of creating a wide berth between me and them. I have left on my own when I was eighteen, with no job and no money. Despite the odds, I have made a good life for myself.

  It is a good life. I don’t struggle to pay rent anymore and I can afford to go back to school. Work is hard, really hard. But it’s honest work and I make my patients happy. Soon I’ll have an advanced degree and a salary increase. I have friends who are like family to me. I am really happy with where I am, and most importantly, I build this life on my own and I am proud of it. Nothing was handed to me and I don’t owe them anything.

  But maybe I don’t really belong here, just like how I never belonged back home in New York. I am always the eccentric city girl here, the one who used to live in New York and has traveled all over the world. Ashley is one of the few people I am close to here, but even then, she often marvels at the little bits of my past life that I was willing to share. I guess I’ve never really been open to anyone, even Ashley, about myself. Maybe I should at least visit home and see for myself. Maybe I do fit better there.

  I am lost in thought until I get a reminder
on my phone that I am supposed to be at Ashley’s helping with making desserts for her parents’ Christmas party tomorrow. The Colton Christmas is a big affair. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents all descend on them for a week of good food and company. Tomorrow is only the first of many gatherings this week. Ashley has volunteered with making desserts, while her older sister, Jen, will be making the main courses. It is a lot of fun and nothing like the holidays of my childhood. I remember the broken alcohol bottles on the floor and the barren rooms. Even the lavish holiday parties my dad threw that could easily be mistaken for state dinners just felt like staged theater. No one ever said what they meant and there were always fake, plastic smiles on people’s faces. It never felt like home.

  Since I am a terrible cook, just like my mom, I opt-in to help Ashley with desserts. I mostly just help lick the extra batter off of spoons and decorate cakes with icing. But Ashley loves having me around and it’s nice to get into the holiday spirit.

  “Hi, Chris,” I greet the broad-shouldered man towering over me. He opens the door with one hand and a spatula in the other.

  He hugs me as I enter and his hug smells like chocolate and coconut.

  And it smells like home.

  Chapter 3

  Christopher

  “Stop hogging the batter!” Holly wrestles the mixing bowl out of my arms and starts licking the extra chocolate batter. I laugh and try to smear chocolate icing on her round, rosy cheeks. A small glass of wine has relaxed Holly. It has been a hard semester for her and she seemed down when she first got here. Now, we are just goofing around when we are supposed to be helping Ashley, who is getting stressed since she is the one in charge of desserts this year and it’s a big job.

  “Alright, alright. You two,” Ashley shouts as she points an angry finger at us. “Get out of my kitchen!”

  The two of us laugh and we plop ourselves down on the couch with Hugh, who is the first to get banned today.

  After watching some old game show, I work up the courage to ask Holly, “My mom is making everyone stockings for Christmas. What color do you want yours to be this year?” I really hope that she is coming to Christmas this year. Maybe I can get some alone time with her and let her know how I really feel. Even though it’s a safe question and I don’t think she suspects anything, I feel like there are vicious butterflies attacking my insides. My thoughts go to the strange man I saw with her at Dobie’s. Who is he? An old friend or an ex-boyfriend? I have never seen her with anyone from her past and to be frank, I don’t like it. I feel like he is here to steal her away from me.

  She turns pink for a second and keeps her eyes fixed on the television set. Then she looks down at the floor. “I don’t think I need a stocking this year,” she answers in a small voice.

  “What do you mean?” There is an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. What is she trying to say? “She always makes one for you.” It’s our family tradition and Holly has been part of it every year.

  She shakes her head again. “I just don’t want one.”

  I start to feel a little panicky. I feel like she is retreating away from me. “She always makes you one,” my voice falters as I repeat my words.

  “Then tell her not to make me one!” she blurts out and both Hugh and I are staring at her now. Tears come to her big brown eyes and she blushes deeply. “I- I’m sorry. I gotta go.” She wipes her tears away with the back of her sleeves and runs out the door with her coat.

  I sit there stunned. I don’t understand how such an innocent question could receive such an overwhelming response. I glance over at Hugh, who is now back at watching television.

  He clears his throat and remarks off-handedly, “She forgot her scarf.” I see it hanging off the armrest of the couch, looking limp and forgotten and kind of like how I feel right now. “I think she’ll need it.”

  I pick up the knitted scarf from the couch and fold it in my hands before putting it into my pocket. It is pink and soft. It has a hint of lavender on it and it smells like Holly.

  “I’ll take it to her.”

  ◆◆◆

  Holly’s big brown eyes widen as she opens the door and sees me. Her pink lips part in surprise.

  “You forgot your scarf.” I hold out the soft wool thing as if it is my ticket not just into her apartment, but also her life.

  “Oh, thank you.” She takes it from me. I can see that she has been crying. Her eyes are pink. She rubs her cute button nose with her hand and half-heartedly and politely offers me to come in for some tea.

  She probably thinks I really am just here to drop off her scarf. She is surprised when I barge in and situate myself comfortably on her couch.

  While we are waiting for the hot water to boil on the stove, I twiddle my thumbs in silence. My leg is shaking as I nervously try to find a way to start.

  “Chris.”

  “Holly.” We both speak at the same time. I ask her to start.

  “I don’t think,” she begins awkwardly. “I mean, I won’t be able to. I’m not coming for Christmas this year.”

  “Oh.” I can’t hide the disappointment in my voice.

  “I’ll be going back to New York this year. To see, um, my family.”

  “That sounds nice.” I have never heard her talk about her family before, I just assume that they are nonexistent or completely out of the picture. I am genuinely happy for her that she has people that love her and want to spend the holidays with her.

  Holly bursts into tears.

  “Hey, hey,” I say in a soothing voice and wrap my arms around her. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want to go. I hate it there,” she says between sobs.

  The kettle starts calling and I pour her a cup of tea. “Here, drink up.” I put some honey in her cup, which should help soothe her. “Then why are you going?”

  “Because Cameron is here. He came here to ask me. I don’t want to say no.”

  “Who’s Cameron?” I swallow the lump in my throat. I have a feeling he is the well-dressed man from Dobie’s. I knew at the time that he would take Holly away from me. My instinct was right.

  “My brother. My half-brother.” She says and then the words fall like an avalanche. It is as if she has never confided in anyone else like this before. “Cameron’s dad is a business tycoon and his mom came from an old wealthy family in New York. My mom was his dad’s secretary for years and had an affair with him. When my mom told my dad she was pregnant with me, he wrote her a check and told her never to bother him again. My mom took it very hard, and she was an alcoholic. I remember her drinking a lot and always cursing my dad. We were always moving around because she would always get into fights with the neighbors.”

  I imagine little Holly, living alone and scared, with an erratic and negligent mother who isn’t there for her. I think about how lonely her childhood must have been and how strong she had to be at such a young age.

  “I lived with her until I was seven when she died from an overdose. The Child Protection Agency contacted my dad and asked him if he wanted custody of me since I didn’t have any other family. He and his wife took me in reluctantly and Cameron’s mom has always resented having me there. She doesn’t want me living with them, but Cameron was the sweetest kid in the world and he really loved me. He told me when we first met that he has always wanted a little sister. I was seven years old at the time but I have never been to school. I was dirty and awkward and I couldn’t even write my own name. Cameron taught me to read and write, and we became very close. But his mother treated me like crap and always wanted to send me away.”

  I wonder how lonely it must have been, to move in with a family she didn’t know and who didn’t really want her there. It must have been very difficult to navigate that world as a young girl. To have all the material advantages that money could buy, but at the same time, be deprived of basic parental love. Growing up with a loving family myself, I can’t imagine the emptiness she must have felt.

  “After Cameron went to boarding s
chool and then college, things got pretty bad. I fought with his mom all the time and my dad was never around. I ran away from home when I was eighteen and then I had a really bad stretch for a few years. I was friends with a bad crowd and made some bad choices. Eventually, I realize that the only person I was hurting was myself and I needed to start over before it’s too late. It was only after I moved here and met you and Ashley that I really knew what having a loving family is really like.”

  It is no wonder that she cried after spending her first real Christmas with us. How did she feel when she realized that her entire childhood was deprived of love and affection? I wonder how strong she must have been, to be able to live through what she did and still become the amazing, funny, and kind person she is today. I want her to never feel alone like that ever again. I want her to feel like she is always loved and secure.

  “Cameron says that his mom wants me home for the holiday and I couldn’t care less about what she wants, but I would do it for him, I really would. But then I remember all the pain and anger these people have caused me, and how I love you guys way more than my real family. I didn’t want your mom to make me a stocking only to have me not come. It’ll make me feel so bad.”

  “Then don’t go,” the words slip out of my mouth. I know that I should talk about love and forgiveness and hope that she would reconcile with her family. I know that it’s none of my business but I don’t want her to go. These people obviously don’t love her as much as we do, and I know that they would only hurt her again.

  “What?”